


Maybe You're Not For Me

by greasyrat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M, Friends to Lovers, I am so sorry, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Out of Character, Post-Canon, Side Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Unrequited Love, iwaoi - Freeform, matsuhana - Freeform, more character later, probably, side daisuga
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-06-29 17:36:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15734202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greasyrat/pseuds/greasyrat
Summary: Hanamaki refuses to admit his feeling for his best friend in fear of changing the way things are.Matsukawa is struggling to make his feelings reach the one he loves.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo this is my first and im not entirely sure how editing works in this site works so yeah sorry for some layout errors in advance

On the closing ceremony of his 1st year in high school, Hanamaki Takahiro felt his heart shatter more painfully at the sight before him.

 

***

 

“Issei, which high school are you attending to?” Hanamaki asked Matsukawa as they walked home together after the closing ceremony.

 

“I was accepted in Aoba Johsai, thankfully,” Matsukawa answered while wearing his usual, lazy smirk. “Hiro, you're going there, too, right?”

 

“Yup! I heard that Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime from Kitagawa Daichi were accepted there, as well. That's kinda cool, don't you think?” Hanamaki said excitedly.

 

“Well, yeah I guess. But more than anything, I'm looking forward on meeting the third years of the volleyball club.” The dark-haired boy grinned to himself.

 

When high school began for the two, they immediately joined the volleyball club of the Aoba Johsai. As Hanamaki observed Matsukawa, he noticed how despite Matsukawa normally had an apathetic expression, his dark eyes seemed to lighten up at the sight of the third years whenever they were in action. Especially at the sight of their tall and fit captain who not only had perfect skin, piercing blue eyes and eye-catching red hair but also had outstanding volleyball skills.

 

“Oh? The first years are definitely working hard to be a regular,” observed their captain Sousuke, during one of their practices. “I like that.”

 

During their time for free practice, the third years helped their underclassmen with their skills on their positions. Hanamaki was wing spiker while Matsukawa was a middle blocker. As if the captain noticed how his curly-haired underclassman admired him, Sousuke -- who was a middle blocker himself-- decided to help Matsukawa, among the other middle blockers. He instructed Oikawa to set for Iwaizumi. He and Issei were to block the upcoming spikes.

 

“Matsu-chan.” Matsukawa flinched not only because he was suddenly called amidst spacing out or because of the unusual nickname, he flinched because of who gave him the nickname. “You have to focus otherwise you'll lose sight of what you should be blocking.”

 

“Right. Sorry for spacing out, Senpai.” Matsukawa bowed down.

 

“Oho? Do you admire me that much to the point of spacing out? Oh, Matsu-chan, you're flattering me,” Sousuke joked.

 

“Well, you a--,… it's because.. because you're pretty cool, Sousuke-senpai.” Matsukawa uncharacteristically stuttered at his words.

 

Even with his tanned skin, the blush creeping from his ears were evident to the people as perceptive as their captain. This flustered reaction, however, caught Sousuke off guard.

 

On the other side of the court, there was Hanamaki, who saw how his best friend got so flustered at their team captain. He stood in the middle of the court, confused, as he watched the captain help Matsukawa. Hanamaki was sure that Issei had his fair share of girlfriends in junior high which had him deeply questioning Issei’s behaviour around Sousuke.

 

Could Issei possibly like Sousuke-senpai?

 

His trail of thoughts were interrupted when someone shouted, “Hanamaki, duck!”

 

Instead of ducking, Hanamaki looked to his right -- where the voice that interrupted him came from -- and saw a ball flying towards his face. The next thing knew, he felt his body fall on the floor.

***

 

Hiro slowly opened his eyes and much to his surprise, his eyes met an unfamiliar ceiling.

 

“Geez. This is why you won't become a regular, Hiro,” he heard someone comment.

 

He looked to his right and saw Matsukawa, smirking at him as he sat on a chair beside Hiro’s bed. Hanamaki laughed and said, “Hm? Wasn't a certain someone spacing out when the captain helped him with his crappy blocking?”

 

Issei stiffened from his seat and defended, “Well, not to the point where I would let Iwaizumi’s death spikes hit me.”

 

“Well anyways, where am I?”

 

“At the nurse’s office, idiot.”

 

“Eh? Who brought me here? And the practice?”

 

“The captain and I brought you here also, the practice ended half an hour ago.”

 

“Oh, sorry. Thanks for waiting. Let's go?”

 

As the two of walked home together, Hanamaki stole glances to his friend every now and then. He felt nervous as he was about to asked a rather awkward question. “Issei.”

 

“Hm?” Matsukawa hummed without turning his head.

 

“By any chance, are you... do you have… do you like Sousuke-san?”

 

“The captain? I really admire him. I think his skills are superb,” Matsukawa answered nonchalantly.

 

“No, not in that way. In a…,”

 

“Romantic way?” Matsukawa chuckled. “Hiro, I think you're well aware that I prefer chicks over dicks, right?”

 

“Ah. Of course.” Hanamaki laughed. “What was I thinking? Of course you do.”

 

“Why? Are you gay, Hiro?” the curly-haired boy bluntly asked with his usual, blank expression.

 

“What? No. I just wondered why you seemed to admire the captain a lot,” Hanamaki lied.

 

Well, what the strawberry boy said was partially true. He was curious with Matsukawa but Hanamaki was, in fact, gay. Not that he'd tell his friend. He didn't want Matsukawa to feel uncomfortable around him because of his sexuality or his feelings for his one and only childhood best friend.

 

Hanamaki couldn't help but overthink. Even though Christmas was coming and some first years, such as Oikawa and Iwaizumi, earned their places as regulars already, the captain somehow still focuses on Matsukawa every now and then. It wasn't that it wasn't allowed but there are other middle blockers that the captain could have helped, like one of the newbie blocker that became a regular recently.

 

“Well, the coach is the one helping the newbie so I still get to personally train Matsu-chan!” The captain winked when Hanamaki once asked.

 

“But why Issei?”

 

“Why? Well, Matsu-chan has strong senses for blocking that could be polished with practice, although he can't be a regular yet since he is still pretty weak.”

 

“Hm. Is that really it?” Hanamaki hummed, unamused. He didn't want his eagerness to be noticeable.

 

“There's that but you know, I can't really help but want to help him because he's my first ever kouhai who admired me to that extent.”

 

“Heh, so you're a captain with favoritism,” Hanamaki joked mockingly.

 

“Cheeky kid.” Sousuke rolled his eyes.

 

“Although I do get where his admiration comes from. Sousuke-san, you're a good captain, after all.” Hanamaki faked a sweet and bright smile.

 

“Flattery won't get you anywhere, Makki-chan.” The captain grinned.

 

After a while, Matsukawa didn't have the time to go home with Hanamaki, claiming that he wanted to do extra practices with Sousuke. Although Hanamaki understood, he still couldn't help but feel a little bit annoyed. Even if Matsukawa seemed to have an unchanging facial expression, Hanamaki could tell that he was really looking forward for the extra practice, which pissed him off even more. With that, he decided to tag along Oikawa and Iwaizumi.

 

“Hey, let's stop by somewhere to eat,” Hanamaki suggested the two.

 

“Hm, sounds good. Maybe after practice?” Oikawa approved.

 

“Eh? After practice?” Hanamaki complained.

 

“Yeah, we stop by the park to practice,” Iwaizumi informed.

 

“What a pain.” Hanamaki rolled his eyes. “Let me tag along.”

 

During their practice at the park, that was when Hanamaki first saw up close how in synch the duo was. Although Oikawa hasn't mastered the exact toss Iwaizumi needs, Hanamaki could tell how seriously the two takes their practices. Iwaizumi, on the other hand, can do a powerful spike but he still lacked accuracy. Even still, Hanamaki could tell how Iwaizumi wasn't hitting the ball half-heartedly.

 

When Hanamaki got home, he couldn't help but wonder if he was training hard enough. Maybe I'll never become a regular, - he thought to himself.

 

Sometimes, when Matsukawa didn't have extra practices, Hanamaki and he would walk home together with Oikawa and Iwaizumi. That's how the four of them began knowing each other well. Although there are days where Hanamaki would go home by himself and during those days, he would often fall into the depths of self-doubt.

 

_Maybe Matsukawa doesn't want me around anymore._

 

_What if Iwaizumi and Oikawa doesn't actually want me to tag along?_

 

_Maybe I'm not trying hard enough._

 

_I'll never become a regular._

 

_Half-assed guys like me should probably quit playing volleyball._

The following day approached. Deciding that enough was enough Hanamaki approached one of the third years and asked for advice in spiking. He started having extra practices himself in hope that he'd somehow get better. At the end, however, he still couldn't feel any improvement in his state. He then decided to ask Sousuke.

 

“You want to quit volleyball?”

 

“It's not that,” the pink-haired muttered. “I just feel like I'm not practicing hard enough to actually deserve being in the team.”

 

“Makki-chan, why are you so set on improving?” Sousuke questioned.

 

“Well, I don't want to feel left behind when all the people around me are getting better.”

 

“Hmm,” the captain hummed while thinking. “Maybe that thinking is the reason why.”

 

“Eh?” Hanamaki couldn't say much.

 

“You should stop focusing on the others. Focus on your own improvement without comparing yourself to others. If you do, then use their improvement as a motivation. I don't really know what exactly are you thinking but maybe that's it.”

 

“I see.” Hanamaki looked down onto the ground.

 

Sousuke ruffled Hanamaki’s short, fluffy hair and chuckled, “Even if you can be a cheeky kid, I guess you still are a first year.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?” Hanamaki pouted but still smiled anyway.

 

He carried on with his practice afterwards. He tried his best to follow the captain's advice. Sometimes, he'd catch himself staring in awe as he watched Iwaizumi throw in a lot of powerful spikes. He then glanced over Matsukawa, whose blocking was getting better. Focus on your own improvement. He tried repeating the captains words in his head, along with the images he recalled of his friends’ dedication when playing.

 

He felt his mood lighten. It was as if everything was in slow motion during the game. He could see and process everybody’s movements clearly. He could see openings on the other side of the net. When the ball was received, it was caught by the setter of their team and shouted, “Takahiro!”

 

Hanamaki ran and jumped as high as he could. He could see Sousuke along with two other middle blockers beside him however, he saw a narrow opening on the right and slammed the ball on the ground as hard a he could. Everyone, including Hanamaki himself, was shocked at the successful spike he was able to throw in. When the whistle blew to signal their score, everyone on Hanamaki’s team cheered loudly.

 

It wasn't his first time getting a spike in, but it was the first time he spiked without thinking about being left behind by his team mates or the like. From the corners of his eyes, he met Oikawa’s smirk that definitely had a meaning behind.

 

That evening, the four of them went home together. They all walked quietly, tired from all the training they did. All of a sudden, Matsukawa broke the silence. “Hiro.”

 

All three of them shifted their attention to Matsukawa.

 

Hanamaki then responded, “Yeah?”

 

“You were on a roll today. Good work,” Matsukawa praised.

 

“Yeah, Makki, you did great today,” Oikawa agreed.

 

Iwaizumi nodded and patted Hanamaki’s back roughly. He then congratulated, “Nice kill, Hanamaki. But I won't lose to you!”

 

“As if you would. You're way beyond my level, Iwaizumi,” Hanamaki smiled.

 

When Iwaizumi and Oikawa parted from the two, Matsukawa asked Hanamaki if he could stay over his house that night to which Hanamaki accepted. After all, the two had always slept over each other's house, especially when they were in junior high. They would borrow each other's clothes, sometimes even their underwears, and stay on the same bed. It was something that was natural.

 

During that specific night, however, everything was suddenly unnatural for Hanamaki. He started feeling that sleeping next to Matsukawa was somewhat wrong. _But we did this all the time. We're childhood friends, this should be normal!_  - he thought. But sleeping next to his precious childhood friend with ridiculously thick eyebrows, raven curls and peaceful sleeping face made his heart beat fast. Despite winter coming near, the strawberry-haired boy started sweating as he felt heat rise from his body. Unable to sleep, he decided to go to the roof to feel the cool, midnight breeze touch his skin. He looked up at the stars and cleared his head. He knew he should prioritize volleyball and his studies, not his unrequited feelings -- ’that he shouldn't have at the first place,’ as per Hanamaki -- for Matsukawa.

 

“Can't sleep, Hiro?” Matsukawa grinned as he climbed up the roof.

 

“As you can see,” Hanamaki shrugged.

 

For a moment, the two were quiet. Until, Matsukawa started, “I overheard your talk with the captain before.”

 

Hanamaki looked at him in disbelief.

 

“Well, I do understand what you were feeling,” Matsukawa sighed. “I just wished you told me first.”

 

“Sorry,” the other apologized. “It was just hard to bring it up. Especially to you, guys.”

 

“It's okay. You owe me ramen, though.” Matsukawa smirked.

 

“Sounds good to me.”

 

They sat on top of the roof in peace. While the dark-haired boy was staring and lost in his thoughts, he failed to see how his best friend's bright gray eyes gazed at him in awe and admiration. Hanamaki thought to himself that he was satisfied with this. He didn't wish for much more.

 

***

Hanamaki had gotten used to seeing Matsukawa close with the captain during practices. Although it flipped his stomach at first, he thought it was merely administration and nothing more than a senpai-kouhai relationship. Sometimes, still, he'd catch himself looking at the two of them practice, earning a questioned look from the ever-so-perceptive Oikawa. But Hanamaki never said anything as all he did was to be a mere spectator.

 

During the last spring tournament, Aoba Johsai lost to Shiratorizawa. For Hanamaki, it was his first tournament as a regular but for the third years -- for Sousuke -- it was the last.

 

Just as he was about to head home with everyone else after they returned to school, he saw Matsukawa enter the club room. Out of curiosity, he followed him and peeked through the partially opened club room door. His eyes widened at the sight. The team captain was heavily sobbing on his jacket as Matsukawa wrapped comforting arms around him. Feeling as though his heart was about to burst, Hanamaki rushed to the others and went home.

 

Although the fact that his best friend was embracing the captain slightly ticked him off, that wasn't the case. It hurt him, seeing the captain, who had always been strong and supportive for them, break down like that. Even if Hanamaki knew that it was the third years’ last game throughout high school, it only occured to him then that they lost, and that was the end of it.

 

Before he even realized it, the closing ceremony was just right around the corner. It was two weeks away and they were already decided for the new captain. Hanamaki looked at Matsukawa, who wore a frown that was heavier than the usual pout he had. At that point, Hanamaki had always questioned, but never dared vocalize it again, Matsukawa’s view on the captain. Was it all just platonic admiration? He wasn't sure at this point because every single time he observed, it didn't seem like it. The way Matsukawa would smile around the captain, the way his usually bored eyes would light up when he's with Sousuke or the fact that he was the one there for the captain when he was at his weakest-- they no longer appeared to be platonic for the eyes of Hanamaki. _But who am I to judge Issei?_

 

 

On the day of the ceremony itself, everyone seemed more down than usual, given that the third years were graduating. After congratulating and bidding the ones to graduate goodbye, Hanamaki decided to look for Matsukawa. He walked around the halls, the roof top, and the school yard and there was no sign of Matsukawa. I haven't seen the captain either. He was then headed for the court. He found him, outside, just by the door.

 

There stood Matsukawa Issei, whose lips were interlocked with that of Hasegawa Sousuke’s, who was leaning down in order for the shorter one to reach him. This sight painfully shattered the heart of a certain pink-haired boy, who just couldn't look away. After their lips parted softly, Sousuke ruffled the other boy’s hair and pulled him to a tight hug. While doing this he said, “Sorry, Matsukawa. I can't return your feelings.”

 

_Can't return his feelings? So did Issei really… for the captain?_

 

Hanamaki ran from the scene to the roof top, the place in the school where he could cool his head. He held his chest tight as it throbbed with guilt and shame. He grip on himself tightly as he contained his emotions. He loathed himself for being relieved for a second just because the captain couldn't ‘return the feelings’ of Matsukawa. In fact, he should have felt bad because his friend just got rejected.

 

While he drowned in frustration, he hadn't realize the door behind him opening and closing. Then came the familiar voice, “Hiro?”

 

On the closing ceremony of his 1st year in high school, Hanamaki Takahiro felt his heart shatter more painfully at the sight before him.

 

Matsukawa stood before him but his red and swollen eyes refused to look at Hanamaki’s and were instead glued on the floor. He was tearing up, he was pale and his hands were gripping his black, messy hair. For Hanamaki, this sight was more painful than seeing Matsukawa happily walking by Sousuke’s side. This was far more heartbreaking than Hanamaki’s ‘itty-little unrequited love’. Seeing Matsukawa like that, all broken and torn was far more stinging than anything else.

 

Hanamaki did not hesitate to rush to him and pull him into a tight, tight, embrace. The other hugged back, sobbed some more and burried his face at the crook of Hanamaki’s neck. They stayed like that for a while until Matsukawa had calmed down. Still on the roof top, Hanamaki sat on the floor while Matsukawa lied down on his lap as he allowed his curly hair to be raked. Hanamaki softly whispered, “Issei?”

 

“Hiro, I'm gay,” Matsukawa stated blankly.

 

“I figured,” Hanamaki chuckled.

 

“The captain rejected me this afternoon.” Matsukawa’s voice was hoarse. “Hiro, are you okay with it?”

 

“Yeah, I think I've always known anyway.” Hanamaki shrugged.

 

It eased Hanamaki’s mind, somehow, because his friend finally told him the truth.  However, there was still a sharp pain that would constantly strike his chest because he hasn't nor had he planned to tell Matsukawa the truth that he was the same, or the feelings he had kept locked inside him for so long. Because for Hanamaki, he didn't want to ruin the friendship they had. That was enough for Hanamaki.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before he could even mentally prepare himself for college, Hanamaki was already unpacking his things in his new apartment that was just a walking distance from the college.

They never had a taste of the Nationals. Before they had the chance to defeat Shiratorizawa, they were immediately crushed by Karasuno.

 

After stopping by a ramen place, after their coach had treated them and after Oikawa’s stress-eating, the third years of Seijou ended up going to their school's court. As if it was to pour out all the frustration they had felt after being defeated, they all went all-out with their play. Just as they cleaned up, their team captain, Oikawa, approached them and announced, “Everyone, I have something to say.”

 

Hanamaki immediately recognized the look in Oikawa’s eyes and said, “Hey, stop! Let's end this peacefully!”

 

“Shut up and let me finish!” Oikawa protested.

 

“Thank you for the three years!” he shouted in tears.

 

That evening, everyone ended up the same as Oikawa, a crying mess. All of them went home with a throbbing chest and red, puffy eyes.

 

While walking home with Matsukawa, Hanamaki bitterly sighed and asked, “Can I stay over for the night?”

 

“Yeah,” Matsukawa answered.

 

Hanamaki recalled that one time when they were still a first year. He remembered how he couldn't sleep because of how Matsukawa felt against him. He chuckled at the memory because he thought it was stupid of him to actually get all flustered over something so small. Perhaps it was because after these years, Hanamaki had gotten used to Matsukawa and his fair share of boyfriends. Hanamaki learned how to brush it all off because even he himself have had girlfriends but they all never worked out because he knew he wasn't into women. He felt bad at some point, for using them to mask his sexuality but what's done was done and there was nothing he could do about it.

 

“Stop using girls, Makki,” Oikawa once sternly said. “Stop being an asshole.”

 

“I know,” Hanamaki choked. “I know.”

 

“Why won't you just tell Mattsun how you truly feel?” Oikawa questioned.

 

“I don't want things to change for both of us. You know that, Oikawa.”

 

“So you decided you'll just be an ass and break several hearts because you don't want your best friend to ditch you for being gay even if he himself is gay,” Oikawa scoffed.

 

That time, Hanamaki couldn't say anything in return. Oikawa was right and he didn't know why he can't admit anything to Matsukawa. He didn't know what he was so scared of. They will soon enter college and he still hadn't said a single thing to his friend.

 

On the roof of Matsukawa’s house, Hanamaki sat there, lost in thought.

 

“Can't sleep, Hiro?” Matsukawa grinned as he climbed up the roof.

 

“As you can see,” Hanamaki shrugged. “Hey, Issei.”

 

“Hm?” the other hummed, not looking at Hanamaki.

 

“Are you planning to continue volleyball in college?”

 

“Nope. I'm taking up chemical engineering. Although I might end up on the same university in tokyo as everyone else.” Matsukawa answered. “You?”

 

“I’m discontinuing volleyball too,” Hanamaki said bitterly. “I'm taking up accounting and finance, on that university, though.”

 

There was a short pause.

 

“Hiro, are you gay?” Matsukawa asked out of the blue.

 

“Eh?” Hanamaki choked. “What's up, all of a sudden?”

 

“Nothing, really. It's just that there was this girl from class who asked me if you were gay. Your ex-girlfriend, Nishina.”

 

“Why would she ask that?” Hanamaki asked in disbelief.

 

“Apparently, she tried to suck you off but you wouldn't go hard.”

 

Hanamaki choked on nothing and sighed, “She even told you that?”

 

“So?”

 

Well shit. Here goes nothing.

 

“Yeah, I'm gay,” Hanamaki finally said.

 

“I figured,” Matsukawa grinned. “Let's go to a ramen shop right now. Your treat.”

 

Hanamaki knew why he had to treat him ramen.

 

“Right now? Aren't you tired of ramen, we had some earlier!”

 

“They didn't have gyouza in my ramen earlier, and its late, I'm hungry.”

 

“Unbelievable.” Hanamaki laughed.

 

Matsukawa didn't hold back in ordering extra noodles and gyouza while Hanamaki dreadfully looked at him then at his wallet. Hanamaki knew he couldn't do anything about it because after all, it had always been their tradition since junior high. A tradition where if one finds out something important about the other person from a different person, then he gets to be treated whatever food he wants.

 

It was about 2 A.M when Matsukawa finished. Hanamaki couldn't help but sigh in relief because he was able to pay without problems and, he was finally out to Matsukawa. The two decided to stop by the play ground on their way home. The playground the two of them had always played at ever since they were little. Matsukawa was sitting on the edge of the slide while Hanamaki sat on the old and rusty swing that was too small for him. Hanamaki then blurted out, “Issei. Sorry, for not telling you.”

 

While looking up at the sky, Matsukawa answered, “Yeah. It's okay.”

 

“Hiro,” he called. “Who else is aware about it?”

 

There was a sudden sharp pain in Hanamaki’s chest. “Oikawa and Iwaizumi.”

 

“Hmmm,” Matsukawa hummed, unamused. “And your parents?”

 

“They might disown me if I tell them.” Hanamaki let out a dry laugh.

 

“Must be tough, not being out to your parents and stuff,” the other stated.

 

It was tough. Hanamaki wasn't sure what he'd parents do, or how they'd react. He didn't want to come out to them in fear that they'd either kick him out or not pay for his college tuition.

 

“But I guess hiding it wasn't hard,” Matsukawa added. “After all, you've brought home several girls to your house already, and once you enter college, you can be as gay as you want because they have no means of finding out.”

 

“Well, sorry about that,” Hanamaki apologized.

 

“Don't apologize to me for that,” Matsukawa denied. “Apologize to the girls you used to hide your sexuality.”

 

Once again, Hanamaki was speechless as he was struck by guilt. He gulped and opened his mouth in attempt to answer, but no words dared escape his lips. Everything he stored in felt like it was all about to spill. _But I can't break now._

Matsukawa stood up from the slide and went to Hanamaki. He roughly patted his back and laughed, “Well, don't dwell in it. I'm not ditching my best friend for some stupid mistake he did in the past.”

 

“Issei, I…” Still, Hanamaki couldn't form a proper sentence. A part of him was so relieved that things turned out okay but another remained guilty.

 

Matsukawa reached his hand out to Hanamaki. “Let's go home, Hiro.”

 

***

Even if there was no more upcoming competition for them, most of the third years stuck around the team. Hanamaki watched everyone play while he was on the sideline. He saw how, just as how they always were, in-synch Oikawa and Iwaizumi were. He found himself wondering how those two would be in the future, considering Iwaizumi would go to a different university. They would probably have to crush each other.

 

The closing ceremony, or their graduation, was near to come. Everything seemed bright and colorful but among the team, there was a hint of gloominess with each passing day. Nobody, however, dared state the reason out loud.

 

As they were about to begin practicing, Hanamaki noticed something. “Wait, where's Oikawa?”

 

“Iwaizumi, have you seen him?” Matsukawa asked.

 

Iwaizumi shook his head. “He was also absent in class. I tried calling him but he won't answer his phone.”

 

That evening, when Hanamaki got home, he immediately looked for his phone and texted Oikawa. As he lied down on his bed, he started dozing off until he heard his phone ring. Oikawa was calling him. He greeted, “Yo, Oikawa. Where were you? Iwaizumi was hella upset--,”

 

From the other side of the line, Hanamaki could hear sniffles and sobs. “Makki,” Oikawa choked out between tears.

 

“Hey, what's wrong?” Hanamaki slightly panicked.

 

“I can't play volleyball anymore,” Oikawa cried out.

 

“What? What do you mean?” He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

 

“I… I got into an accident and..,” Oikawa sobbed even more.

 

“Where are you right now?”

 

“At the hospital in Miyagi.”

 

“Wait, I'll go there right now!”

 

Hanamaki jolted out and ran to the main road. He called for a taxi and went straight to the hospital. What the hell happened to Oikawa?-- Hanamaki panicked. After asking for Oikawa’s room, he looked for it and found the door he was looking for. When he opened the door, there was Oikawa, with a tear-stained face and messy hair. His arms were bruised and his knee was heavily patched up. When he saw Hanamaki, he immediately started tearing up and choked out, “Makki.”

 

Makki rushed to him and pulled him in a hug. He found himself slightly crying as he rubbed circles of Oikawa’s back. Oikawa remained in Makki’s arms for a while as his face was burried on Makki’s chest. When he had calmed down, he pulled away.

 

“What happened?” Hanamaki calmly asked.

 

“My nephew ran recklessly yesterday. He was about to get hit by a truck so I sort of had to run and jump to push him away. Sure I wasn't hit, but when I fell, the pressure was focused on my bad knee and the braces reopened. The doctor said I'm not fit to play sports anymore.” Oikawa let out an empty chuckle. “I was finally accepted to the university, you know? Even if I didn't get to go to the nationals, I thought my hard work paid off when I got accepted to that college.”

 

“Does Iwaizumi know?” Hanamaki asked.

 

The other shook his head.

 

“I'm sorry,” Hanamaki whispered. He was at loss for words. Nothing sounded right, he couldn't find the right thing to say to Oikawa, who was robbed off of his dream.

 

Oikawa gave him a pained smile in response. He simply leaned his head on Hanamaki’s shoulder quietly. Later on, Makki could hear Oikawa’s soft snores so he gently laid him back down to the bed. He had himself seated on the couch beside the bed and ended up staying at the hospital for the night.

 

***

Before he could even mentally prepare himself for college, Hanamaki was already unpacking his things in his new apartment that was just a walking distance from the college. It was fairly cheap but it perfect for a university student. After the entrance of the apartment was a mini hallway which lead to a small living room. On the right was a counter which divided the kitchen from the living room. On the left was two bedrooms beside each other and a small bathroom.

 

He shared the apartment, to split the bill, with some one he has yet to meet. He heard from Yahaba that someone he knew wanted the apartment as well so he could just wait until he arrived. He wished he was as lucky as Matsukawa, who was paired with Oikawa as roommates in the dorms the university provided. Hanamaki sighed at the thought that it could possibly be a complete stranger as well.

 

In the middle of unpacking his things, the door behind him opened followed by the familiar muscular man with heavenly biceps, tanned skin, spiky black hair and the lady-killer glare. Hanamaki’s 'flatmate’, to his surprise, was none other than Iwaizumi Hajime.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Iwaizumi?” asked Hanamaki in disbelief.

 

“Yo, Makki,” Iwaizumi greeted casually as he set his boxes down.

 

“I thought you were gonna go to…?”

 

“Yeah, but there was a change of plans.”

 

“Does Oikawa know?”

 

“Shh,” Iwaizumi shushed as if someone was going to hear them. “I'm going to surprise  
that trash.”

 

Alright, Iwaizumi Hajime, are you sure you see Oikawa only as a childhood friend?- Hanamaki thought to himself.

 

When they finished unpacking their things, Iwaizumi asked Hanamaki if he happened to know where Oikawa was. After texting Matsukawa, Hanamaki found out that they were at the coffee shop near the campus. As they were exiting the campus, Hanamaki asked Iwaizumi why he attended that university instead.

 

“Ever since I found out about Oikawa’s injury and how he's unable to play, I sort of realized who I wanted to play volleyball for and swore that I wanted to be by their side no matter what.”

 

“Wow. Iwaizumi, I never knew you were such a romantic,” Hanamaki commented.

 

Iwaizumi angrily scoffed at him and glared. “If you tell Oikawa, I'm going to fucking kill you, Hanamaki,”

 

“Calm your tits, Iwa. I won't.” Hanamaki chuckled.

 

When they reached the coffee shop, they saw Oikawa making several hand gestures as he talked to Matsukawa who, in turn, nearly dropped his iced coffee the moment the two entered. He was staring at the two when Oikawa snapped him out of it, “Hey, Mattsun, are you even listening?”

 

When Oikawa looked back, his eyes widened in shock and delight. “Iwa-chan?!”

 

“Yo, Mattsun, Oikawa,” Iwaizumi greeted.

 

Hanamaki took his seat beside the curly-haired haired boy. The two of them watched Oikawa and Iwaizumi bicker and wondered what was taking them so long. “Those two,” Matsukawa started. “Why aren't they even dating yet?”

 

“I know right.” Makki sighed. He looked at Mattsun and directed his questions to him in his head.

 

“Issei, I'm getting bitter because of my lack of love life while watching them,” Makki jockingly complained.

 

“I know what you mean,” Mattsun agreed. “Honestly, let's leave them.”

 

With that said, the two left the bickering ‘friends’. They decided to walk around the campus to get to know their university together. “Hey Hiro,” Matsukawa called.

 

“Hm?” Hanamaki hummed as they continued their way through the hallway of the dormitory.

 

“Even if we get busy with college and reality and stuff, don't ditch me, okay?”

 

Matsukawa’s dark blue orbs locked with Hanamaki’s gray ones. The stare caused the heart of the strawberry boy to skip a beat. As he was about to let Matsukawa’s gaze get into him, he quickly cleared his head and brushed the feeling off. Don't falter now, Hiro. Not now, not ever. Don't get your hopes up.

 

Instead, he smirked and said, “Of course. That goes without saying.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um hi i hope you liked it :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for the kudos!! like really! I'm glad you enjoyed the story so far.

 

Matsukawa wasn't the most sentimental or emotional person. Rather, he wasn't the type who'd show it. With his usually unamused face, only a few people could tell how he was actually feeling.

 

On a rainy day while walking home, Matsukawa caught a glimpse of pink from the corner of his eyes. Inside the convenience store across the road he was at, he saw his childhood friend with a cute and petite girl with short brown hair and porcelain skin. Their hands were interlocked with each other's as they exited the store. The girl seemed to be smiling brightly as she talked about something Matsukawa couldn't hear. He clicked his tongue at the sight as he felt his stomach churn. Although he wasn't entirely sure why, he gripped the strap of his bag tightly, like his life depended on it, and immediately rushed home.

 

He was clearly tired, with his hair messier than it usually was, with the bags under his eyes and the unironed clothes he didn't have time to fix. As a third year, he figured it was only natural to have loads of homeworks as preparation for college but that didn't seemed to be the case. As he started his work on his desk, he found himself chuckling silently while raking his hair. _I could do hundreds of workload if I have to but for god’s sake, I can't stand that sight anymore._

  


The following day in school, the same girl from the convenience store asked for Matsukawa, to his surprise.

 

“So?” He started coldly. “What do you want?”

 

“I'm Nishina, Takahiro-kun’s ex,” she introduced.

 

“Ex?” Matsukawa was shocked, but slightly relieved.

 

“Is Takahiro-kun gay or something?” she asked flatly.

 

“Straightforward, I see. Why do you ask?”

 

“Well, as you can see, we broke up. That's ‘cuz he wouldn't get hard when I tried to suck him off. In fact, he looked really pale despite saying he was okay with it. And so I broke up with him because I thought he might be gay."

 

“You don't filter your words, huh,” Matsukawa laughed.

 

“So, is he?” Nishina sounded impatient. The other frowned and sighed.

 

“Not that I know of,” Matsukawa shrugged. The girl rolled her eyes at Matsukawa.

 

“Ugh, you're useless,” she commented. “But thanks for your time, anyway.”

  


Although Matsukawa was a little bit annoyed, his thoughts trailed off to the possibility of Hanamaki being gay. Maybe it was because of the fact that he sighed in relief that Matsukawa realized something.

 

He confronted Hanamaki about it. What caught Matsukawa’s attention was not how shocked Hanamaki was at the sudden question but instead, it was how pale he had gotten as he answered. It was how hesistant he sounded while answering questions.

  


“Don't apologize to me for that. Apologize to the girls you used to hide your sexuality.”

 

Matsukawa felt bad for rubbing what he did to Hanamaki’s face because right after those words he had said, Hanamaki couldn't utter a single word. He was at the verge of tears, even. Matsukawa felt his heart sink.

 

After that, they walked in silence. He stared into Hanamaki’s eyes, which were directed to the ground. Hanamaki seemed distracted with the way his eyebrows were slightly furrowed and his gray eyes were narrowed. Matsukawa stared. And stared. He gazed at him longingly. At that moment, he of knew the dangerous feelings he bore for his childhood best friend.

 

He didn't know how long had he been staring but the moment Hanamaki met his gaze, he was immediately caught off guard. With blush suddenly creeping through his skin, the dark-haired boy looked away hastily. Worried, Hanamaki asked, “Issei?”

 

Matsukawa wasn't the most sentimental or emotional person. Rather, he wasn't the type who'd show it. With his usually unamused face, only a few people could tell how he was actually feeling.

 

But sometimes, however, even the ones closest to him cannot easily read him. That's what Matsukawa thought, considering Hanamaki’s cluelessness. A part of Matsukawa wished that Hanamaki noticed but he'd never, ever say it out loud.

 

“It's nothing. Just kinda cold and my clothes are thin.”

  


***

 

College was three weeks away. Matsukawa had already got it stuck in his head that he was a step closer to reality, maybe. He and Oikawa had already started unpacking their things in the dorm provided by the university and he had found a job beforehand for extra cash. Matsukawa could assure himself that he was ready and composed.

 

When they finished packing, Oikawa dragged a tired Matsukawa to a coffee shop near the college. It was a decent place in all honesty, with all the books along the shelves, the fairy lights hung from the ceiling, the succulents as its decor, the wooden furniture and the one that Matsukawa liked the most, the faint smell of cinnamon and coffee around the place the moment you open the door. It was a refreshing feeling for him after a exhausting day.

 

“Welcome to Cafè Garde-- eh?” The greeting of the barista was cut short.

 

Before the two exhausted friends stood a white-haired man with the fairest skin and a mole under his left eye. He blinked a couple of times as he eyed the two.

 

“M-mr. Refreshing-kun?” Oikawa said in slight disappointment.

 

“Grand king,” Mr. Refreshing replied grimly.

 

“Oya? If it isn't Karasuno’s pretty setter?” Matsukawa chuckled as his eyes twitched in irritation.

 

“Mattsun, I'm the only pretty setter!” Oikawa complained. Matsukawa held back an eye roll.

 

“Ahem,” Mr. Refreshing interrupted. “My name is actually Sugawara, in case you didn't know. Now, dear customers, if you don't order anything then please leave.”

 

Sugawara sweetly smiled at them. Matsukawa swore to himself that he saw sparkles and flowers around him.

 

“Tch! One black coffee,” Oikawa scowled. Black coffee meant complete annoyance for Oikawa.

 

“Uh, iced cappuccino, I guess,” the other shrugged.

 

“That will be 700 yen. I'll deliver your drinks to your table,” Sugawara informed with the brightest smile.

 

After paying and picking their table, Oikawa slumped at his seat. He rested his chin at the palm of his hand while he leaned at the chair. His eyebrows almost met and his pout was intense. Shortly, he finally let out a deep sigh. Matsukawa couldn't help but laugh.

 

“What the fuck is so funny?” Oikawa pouted even more.

 

“Nothing, it's just that you seem to be really pissed,” the other answered with a grin.

 

“Of course I am! Just when I thought I could put it all in the past, that annoying ass smile from that demon suddenly pops out of nowhere,” Oikawa crossed his arms and scoffed.

 

Not long after, the said man arrived with the ordered coffee. As he set down the drinks, he eyes the two and started, “It seems like we're in the same uni.”

 

“What of it?” Oikawa glared.

 

“I hope whatever grudges you hold against us doesn't get in the way of either of our studying. It'll really be inconvenient and you might regret it later.” Sugawara implied a warning with a glare followed by a toothy, cheery grin. “I hope you enjoy your coffee!”

 

With that, he strutted off like a penguin, slightly skipping his way to the counter. The look on Oikawa’s eyes were darker than before. Matsukawa could only frown. After all, he perfectly understood how the brunette in front of him felt.

 

Feeling the atmosphere becoming stagnant and unbearable, Matsukawa shifted Oikawa’s attention to the coffee shop’s cozy interior. Before long, he was already rambling about a cafè he went back then with modern touches. The way the conversation went seemed forced, because of Oikawa’s exaggerated hand gestures while explaining or the constant pale faces, or the occasional awkward silence.

 

To Matsukawa’s relief, Hanamaki texted him that he was on his way to the coffee shop they were at. What he didn't expect, though, was for Iwaizumi to tag along. Oikawa seemed surprise but immediately brightened up and greeted, “Iwa-chan?!”

 

“Yo, Mattsun, Oikawa,” he casually greeted.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Matsukawa asked but he was pleased at Iwaizumi’s presence.

 

“Ah, I didn't tell you guys but I actually wasn't accepted to the college I originally applied for so here I am,” Iwaizumi shrugged.

 

“As if! Iwa-chan, you can't possibly be denied with your incredible skills,”  Oikawa argued.  

 

“Ugh, whatever.” Iwaizumi scoffed.

 

“Aw, Iwa-chan, do you want me to comfort you?” Oikawa cooed.

 

“Like hell I would, Trashykawa!”

 

“Ah! Mean Iwa-chan!”

  


The two continued their banter while Matsukawa and Hanamaki stood up to take their leave. Hanamaki seemed slightly pissed as he walked alongside Matsukawa around the campus. “Now, now,” Matsukawa called him down. “You'll find a guy, too.”

 

“Oikawa is damn lucky to have Iwaizumi,” Makki sighed.

 

“It's not like any of them would realize that they're head over heels for each other,” Mattsun pointed out.

 

“Oh yeah, you found a job, right?” Hanamaki remembered.

 

“Yeah, there's this diner that had a decent pay. You?”

 

“I'm planning to apply to that coffee shop from earlier.”

 

“Hmmm.” Matsukawa hummed.

 

“What?” Hanamaki seemed curious at the other man's tone.

 

“You might meet someone unpleasant, though. You fine with that?”

 

“If it means money then hell yeah!” the strawberry blonde declared enthusiastically.

 

“Even if they're from Karasuno?” Matsukawa questioned.

 

They both stopped their tracks and the pink-haired boy, whose previous enthusiasm slipped away, was suddenly quiet. He hummed while thinking and continued walking. “Yeah, I mean, I don't have a choice,” he shrugged.

  


Soon after, the two simply walked in silence. Hanamaki ended up walking Matsukawa to their dorm. Not that he minded, though.

 

The hallway was quiet and a part of Matsukawa was dying because of the defeaning silence. Maybe it was because no one was around, everything was still and he was alone with Hanamaki that he wanted to pin him against the wall. Of course, he would never ruin what they already had, which was why they continued their way without doing anything questionable.

 

Matsukawa couldn't bear it. He needed reassurance of god knows what so he called, “Hey, Hiro?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Even if we get busy with college and reality and stuff, don't ditch me, okay?” Matsukawa didn't want to sound needy.

 

Matsukawa didn't want to appear needy or clingy but he couldn't help but eagerly stare at Hanamaki as he awaited his answer. Hanamaki, however, simply smirked and said, “Of course, that goes without saying.”

  


When Hanamaki left, Matsukawa plumped down on his bed and groaned. _Maybe Hiro_ _was uncomfortable with the stare? Holy shit did he think I was being too clingy?_ His anxiety took over his head as he struggled to get his friend off of his mind. He later just stared on the ceiling of their new dorm and sighed. His thoughts started drifting off somewhere. Tokyo was different from their hometown, and college was about to start.

  


***

College wasn't easy. Of course, Matsukawa knew that much but it still didn't stop him from being overwhelmed. On Mondays to Wednesdays, he had classes from 8 o'clock until 1 PM. Then, he had a part-time job from 2 PM until 9 PM. On Thursdays, he had classes from 1 PM until 6:30 but he didn't have work. On Fridays, he had classes from 2 PM until 7 PM. On Saturdays, he had work from 2 PM until 9 PM. Aside from the packed schedule, almost everyday, they were packed with essays, deadlines and homeworks. _Jesus christ can I even manage?_

 

Matsukawa groaned as he heard the sound of hell. He grumbled several curses turned the alarm clock off and got himself ready. Matsukawa disliked wasting time but when he realized he still had an hour left before his first class, he decided to stop by the coffee shop which was perfect for college students, considering it was open 24/7. He couldn't help but look at the barista who seemed sleep-deprived and he had a ridiculous black bed hair. He then greeted monotonously, “Welcome to Cafè Garden, what would you like to order?”

 

“One cappuccino to-go, please.”

 

“Got it.”

 

As the barista was preparing his drink, Matsukawa fiddled with his phone, scrolling through Instagram. Just then, he heard a loud clank. When he looked at the counter, there was the barista with the ridiculous bed hair, staring at the two shattered shot glasses on the floor. He probably would have just stared if the other white-haired boy didn't come to the scene. Matsukawa groaned in his head, knowing that he had encountered Mr. Refreshing once again.

 

“That groan was pretty loud, you know?” Sugawara laughed as he cleaned up the mess. Matsukawa blinked, realizing he actually groaned out loud.

 

“Come on, Kuroo, get yourself together!” Suga scolded the other barista.

 

The other flinched as he looked down on the clean floor. He then made Matsukawa’s coffee and handed it to him. Matsukawa stared at the mug and laughed, “I ordered for a to-go cappuccino, not a dine-in caramel macchiato.”

 

“Oh,” Kuroo grimaced. He mumbled an apology and walked back to the coffee machine. After earning a smack on the head from Sugawara, he started over Matsukawa’s coffee. The white-haired boy then went over Matsukawa and bowed, “I'm really sorry, our barista is out of it.”

 

“Don't mind, don't mind,” Matsukawa laughed as he imitated the ‘don't mind’ in volleyball. Suga chuckled as well. Kuroo, while making the coffee, stuck his head out and excitedly asked, “You play volleyball, too?”

 

“Yeah, I was a middle blocker from Seijou,” Matsukawa answered.

 

As he handed his coffee, Kuroo added, “I'm a middle blocker, too. From Nekoma. Ah, so you're from Seijou, huh.”

 

“What about it?”

 

“I'm pretty sure the shrimp from Karasuno swore he'd defeat Seijou and the grand king or something,” Kuroo mumbled.

 

Suga smacked Kuroo’s head and said, “Kuroo! Your shift is over now.” He then looked at Matsukawa and apologetically bowed, “Thank you. I hope you enjoy your coffee!”

 

Matsukawa nodded and left the coffee shop. As he walked to his classes, he remembered their match against Karasuno and how they were defeated. He remembered the ‘shrimp’ the bed hair was referring to and how Seijou was in fact, crushed by that shrimpy little middleblocker. Matsukawa sighed at the bitter memory.

  


That night, he had work on a family diner. Around dinner time, 6:30 to 8:30, those were the rush hours and it was incredibly busy. The place was often packed and it was loud. Matsukawa, after his 10-minute break, sighed at the sight before him. There were several college students, workers, and children going in and out the diner. Someone shouted from the kitchen, “Order for table fifteen!”

 

Matsukawa took the two trays and delivered it to the said table. He went around the diner and there was no table fifteen, so he proceeded to the smoking area. “Table fifteen!” he called.

 

“Here!” someome responded.

 

As Matsukawa set down their order, someone pointed out, “Wait, aren't you Matsu-chan?”

 

Matsukawa flinched at the familiar voice and nickname. Although it had nearly been 3 years ago and he was into someone else, there was still a lingering feeling in his chest that made him uncomfortable. The plastered unamused smirk from Matsukawa’s face disappeared.

 

“Sousuke-san?”

  


It appeared as if things have escalated quickly but the two occasionally hung out. Not as anything else but mere friends, though. None of them brought up what happened during that one closing ceremony, like it was an unspoken agreement. Sousuke observed how Matsukawa acted and knew that he didn't have the same feelings he had back then. In fact, Sousuke realized how Matsukawa’s gaze was entirely different when he was with Hanamaki.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every now and then, Hanamaki would wonder what exactly was holding him back. If he admits his feelings, it wouldn’t really be a complete one hundred and eighty degree-turn for their relationship so why? If only Hanamaki knew the answer.

 

Hanamaki felt uneasy to have Sousuke around at first. Sure, it was a long time ago when he saw how Matsukawa got heartbroken because of their old team captain but it didn’t change the fact the he was the cause of it. But when things seemed to going smoothly and when the past seemed to have been forgotten, Hanamaki gradually warmed up to Sousuke.

 

“Finally have your guard down, eh?” Sousuke chuckled while waiting for the coffee he ordered from Matsukawa.

 

“What?” Hanamaki asked, confused.

 

“I mean, you seemed so cautious and literally ready to charge at me if I said the wrong thing,” Sousuke laughed by the counter.

 

“Oh, so you noticed,” Hanamaki sighed as he poured the steamed milk on Sousuke’s coffee.

 

“Yeah well, it’s not like I can blame you, though. After all, I rejected your beloved _Issei_ years ago,”

 

“Beloved?” Hanamaki nearly spilled the drink.

 

“You think I haven’t noticed your stares literally throughout the practices we had? God, Makki-chan, you were so obvious,” Sousuke teased.

 

“Ugh, just shut up! If you tell Issei a word about this I’m gonna fucking kill you,” Hanamaki scowled a he handed the other man his to-go coffee. “Enjoy your fucking coffee, Sir.”

 

“Hm. we’ll see. Bye, Makki-chan!” Sousuke winked as he walked out of the coffee shop.

 

Hanamaki rolled his eyes and sighed. _Yeah, he won’t tell anyone._  A part of his chest was slightly heavy, however, because _maybe he does want Issei to know_. Although every now and then. He’d return to his senses as he claimed ‘to know better than thinking about your love life when you have a piles  homework and deadlines waiting for you at home.’

 

As he waited for the next customer, Hanamaki slapped himself quite hard and loud that it alarmed those who were around him.

 

“Whoa, Strawberry-kun, are you okay?” Kuroo asked as he entered the counter. It was almost midnight and it was his turn to take over the shift.

 

“Yeah, just a little frustrated,” Hanamaki shrugged.

 

Kuroo grinned. “Don’t tell me…,”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re pent-up, aren’t you?”

 

“What? No!” Hanamaki denied. “Well..”

 

“Well?” Kuroo grinned harder.

 

“I am but that’s not it!” Hanamaki blushed in embarrassment because he thought being frustrated due to being pent-up was better than being lovesick.

  


Hanamaki took his apron off and roughly threw it into his locker in the employee’s room. His back was slouching and the bags under his eyes were dark and evident. He deeply sighed as he exited the coffee shop. _Oh shit, I have a deadline tomorrow noon._ He dreaded at the thought but ignored it anyways. He yawned and walked back to his apartment. To his dismay, the night seemed to be far from ending.

 

When he entered his apartment, he saw Oikawa with a grim expression. His eyes were dark and his mouth was curved into a serious frown. Hanamaki couldn’t think of a reason as to why Oikawa would look that upset. He quietly called out, “Um, Oikawa?”

 

“Makki, look at this,” Oikawa said as he handed Hanamaki a piece of white paper.

 

“Where’s Iwaizumi?” the other asked as he opened the paper.

 

“He went to the convenience store a few minutes ago.”

 

“Oh.”

 

When Hanamaki opened the paper, it was a letter of acceptance from the university Iwaizumi wanted to attend. He shrugged and calmly looked back at Oikawa.

 

“Makki, don’t tell me, you knew about this all this time?”

 

Hanamaki nodded. He wasn’t entirely sure if things would end up well. He knew Oikawa was sharp. Despite his flamboyant side, he knew his friend was a keen observer and knew how to judge situations properly. However, there were times when his insecurities would get the best of him.

 

“Holy shit, I knew I had a bad feeling about this, about Iwa-chan ‘not being accepted’.” Oikawa sat back into the couch. He crouched down as he desperately covered his face.

 

“What? No, Oikawa, that’s not it,” Hanamaki protested.

 

“Then what is it, Makki? I’m holding him back, aren’t I?”

 

Makki couldn’t say anything in return. It wasn’t that Oikawa was right or that he didn’t know why. It wasn’t his place to say anything. That wasn’t his mess. Hanamaki decided to remain quiet.

 

When the unsuspecting Iwaizumi returned to the apartment, Oikawa had already left. Rather, he had already bitterly stormed off the place. Just as Iwaizumi was about to question the stagnant atmosphere or where Oikawa was, he noticed the paper beside Hanamaki.

 

“You told him that I was accepted?” Iwaizumi scowled as he dropped his plastic bag.

 

“No. It’s just a certain idiot probably didn’t keep the letter hidden enough,” Hanamaki rolled his eyes at the man in front of him. “Besides, it’s about time he found out anyway.”

 

Iwaizumi threw himself into the couch beside Hanamaki and groaned loudly. “What did you tell him?”

 

“Nothing,” Hanamaki answered. “It’s your mess, anyway. Not gonna clean that up for you,” he smirked.

  


After that midnight, the two did not see Oikawa much. According to Matsukawa, he had been keeping himself busy by working on his homework and deadlines. _That’s surprisingly healthy_ , Hanamaki thought. There was no tension between Hanamaki and Oikawa but he felt bad because the case was entirely different with Iwaizumi.

 

“Iwa, were you and Oikawa dating all this time?” Matsukawa asked as he scrolled through his phone.

 

“What? No!” Iwaizumi nearly stood up from the library chair as he raised his voice. This earned him a few ‘shush’ from the people inside the library. He couldn’t help but apologetically bow a couple of times.  

 

Hanamaki couldn’t help but snicker along with Matsukawa. Iwaizumi furrowed his eyebrows and glared at the duo. Hanamaki then prodded with a devilish grin, “But Iwaizumi, you’ve always been in love with him, right?”

 

The buff muscular man turned red and his nerves started to poke out of his forehead. Matsukawa frowned and sighed, “Besides, why exactly would Oikawa feel liable for you denying your acceptance to your dream school?”

 

“Oh, Iwaizumi, you poor being.” Hanamaki dramatically frowned. “Don’t you get it? It’s about time you tell him. You can’t lie to him forever.”

 

The strawberry blonde boy felt a sting in his chest at of his own words. As Iwaizumi tried to explain himself, Hanamaki couldn’t help but feel the familiar feeling of having a lump form in his throat which he desperately tried to swallow. Iwaizumi was almost in the same position as Hanamaki. It was a similar scenario of being in love with your childhood best friend and being afraid to admit it in fear of ruining their trust. He couldn’t help but palm his face while he laughed to his his own ‘pettiness’ as he’d refer to it.

 

When Iwaizumi finished explaining, Hanamaki stood up to take his leave, making up an excuse of forgetting a nearing deadline he couldn’t afford miss.

 

As he walk along the corridor, he felt someone coldly whisper to his ear,“You only ran away, didn’t you? You didn’t want to hear what you had to say to Iwaizumi because it’s what you should be doing as well.”  

 

When he looked back, it was Sousuke, grinning at him. The sudden cold whisper took Hanamaki by surprise as he ended up looking dumbfounded at him however, the words he said stuck to him and repeated several times before he managed to utter a small greeting.

 

“Oh, pardon me but I happened to overhear your whole conversation with Iwa and Matsu-chan earlier,” Sousuke winked.

 

“Oh, fuck off,” Hanamaki scowled.

 

“What a way to treat your senpai, Makki-chan,” Sousuke pouted.

 

Hanamaki purposely showed off his hard eye roll. He didn’t have time to hear any of Sousuke’s ‘know-it-all’ commentaries. Although he had to admit himself, what he had pointed out  just then really rubbed salt into the wound.

 

“What do you want,” Hanamaki stressed as he shoved his hands to his pockets.

 

“I want Matsukawa.” Sousuke’s tone was dead serious.

 

“Do as you please!” Hanamaki barked as he walked out.

 

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that but then, he was reminded of the time when they were in their first year in high school. Perhaps Matsukawa would be better off with Sousuke.

 

***

 

Hanamaki didn’t have any shifts that day. He figured he had some time to kill and decided to stop by the diner Matsukawa works at to tease him about how his uniform once again didn’t fit him just like back in high school. A part of him missed high school a lot. As he made his way to the diner, he remember how the four of them--Oikawa, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa and him walked home together after training. Hanamaki wasn’t the most sentimental person and he was surprised at himself for recalling fond memories that last happened only a few months ago.

 

When he was nearing the diner, he stopped at his track as he saw how Sousuke was leaning at the counter, playfully talking to Matsukawa, as his hand gestures appeared to imply with the way it roughly ruffled Mattsun’s already messy black hair. Hanamaki didn’t want to name the obvious emotion he felt at the sight, so he turned on his heels and walked away. He found himself at the Cafe Garden.

 

‘Yo!” Kuroo greeted.

 

“Hey,” Hanamaki returned the gesture.

 

By the counter, there was a man with white hair that had black roots, parted in the middle and each side was pointed upward.His physiques seemed familiar. He was wearing a jersey and his body was quite buff. He talked fast and loud along with. Hanamaki approached the counter to join them. “Yo Makki, this guy here is an old firend, Bokuto,” Kuroo introduced him. “Bokuto, Makki.”

 

“Hey, hey, hey!” He cheerfully greeted as he beamed at Makki.

 

“What’s up?” Hanamaki replied casually as he once again had hs bored-looking expression plastered on his face.

 

Makki watched as the two guys in front of him chat and talk about things he could barely comprehend. As he stared at the ‘Bokuto’ guy, his unique hair and golden eyes seemed familiar. His thick _and long_ eyebrows that were rather pointed felt like it was already seen by Hanamaki. And then, a light bulb in his head lit up. “Bokuto Koutarou!” He recalled out loud.

 

The two of them stopped talking and looked towards him. “Yes?” Bokuto asked, slightly confused.

 

“I knew it! You’re like, the top five ace or spiker or something when you were in highschool!”

 

“Yep, that’s me alright!” Bokuto proudly admitted.

 

Just as Kuroo was about to open his mouth to say something rude, as Makki assumed, Bokuto’s phone rang. “Got a text?” Kuroo instead asked.

 

“Yeah, it’s from Akaashi. He said he’s free now.”

 

Bokuto opened his messenger app and pressed the video call button. From the the screen, he saw a pretty face of a slightly dark skinned man with black curly hair and slightly thick eyebrows. Hanamaki was slightly intrigued by his piercing gunmetal blue eyes.

 

While he was talking to Bokuto and Kuroo through the screen, a familiar glimpse of orange was suddenly seen through the screen and Hanamaki had to look twice to see if he was seeing things right. Indeed, he was.There through the screen was none other than Hinata Shouyo, the shrimp who crushed his team. Hanamaki groaned loudly at the sight. Kuroo and Bokuto looked at him and grinned. They directed the camera to him and Hinata saw Hanamaki.

 

“Wait, aren’t you from Seijou?” he asked in complete surpirse.

 

“Oh, it’s Karasuno’s shrimp.” Hanamaki sighed again.

 

Later on, Hinata announced something loud and fast that the three of them could not understand. Hinata ran off somewhere and Hanamaki heard the ’Akaashi’ guy sigh from the other side. Hinata was then seen sprinting back together with three other guys. Hanamaki immediately recognized them. “Hanamaki-senpai! We miss you!” one of them cried out.

 

“Oy, oy, it’s barely been a few months, Yahaba!” Hanamaki tried to calm him down a little. Although he had to admit, he did miss his old teammates. “Where are you, anyway?”

 

“We’re at a training camp with Nekoma, Fukurodani, Karasuno and other schools from our prefecture,” the one with black hair which were parted in the middle calmly explained.

 

After talking for a few minutes, they returned the phone to Akaashi. When the call finished, Hanamaki thanked Bokuto and Akaashi for letting him talk to his old teammates.

 

Shortly, he left the coffee shop. He wasn’t in his best mood, he had to admit. Everything about his high school life was starting to become nothing but good old memories. After seeing Sousuke with Matsukawa act like they did few years ago and talking to his kouhais, he was suddenly reminded that things were different. Hanamaki clenched his fists inside his pocket and grit his teeth. _I can’t break over something so small_ , he repeated those words in his head like mantra just so he could fight off the sudden urge to just let his tears flow. He succeeded.

 

Sure, he succeeded but he ended up with a throbbing headache. He didn’t feel sick or anything but he sure did feel heavy. He didn’t bother fixing his shoe in the entryway, he simply dropped them off and threw himself in the couch that he shared with Iwaizumi in their living room.

 

***

 

Every now and then, Hanamaki would wonder  what exactly was holding him back. If he admits his feelings, it wouldn’t really be a complete one hundred and eighty degree-turn for their relationship so _why?_ If only Hanamaki knew the answer.

 

***

 

“Makki, you’ll catch colds if you sleep here,” he heard a familiar voice whisper as he felt his shoulder being shook gently.

 

Hanamaki mumbled incoherent words before opening his eyes and getting up. In front of him was Iwaizumi and another familiar man with dark brown hair and muscular physiques was beside him. Hanamaki lightly chuckled and shook his head in disappointment. “To think Iwaizumi actually replaced our captain with Karasuno’s. Tsk, tsk.”

 

“Shut up, just get up!” Iwaizumi scowled as he pushed Makki out of the couch. He gestured his friend to sit wherever. “If you remember him, this is Sawamura from Karasuno. Were classmates in some courses and we’re paired to work on something.” Iwaizumi introduced.

 

“Yo,” was Makki’s only response before he headed for his own room. He figured he didn’t have time to go on another trip to the past. He worked on his research due that midnight. He was getting by quite fine. He juggled work and school properly without any trouble. That’s how things were at first glance and even if it was the case, Hanamaki wasn’t at ease at all and nothing felt right.

  


***

 

It was a Sunday and he didn’t have any shifts to work or classes or anything to think of. He may have woken up later than usual but he spent the entire night doing nothing but schoolwork so that day, he really had more time to kill than usual.

 

Eleven A.M and he still didn’t bother getting up. Shortly, he received a text from Matsukawa, who apparently wanted to hang out with him in the coffee shop. Makki didn’t think twice and immediately got ready.

 

He wasn’t sure why he felt a sudden rush of disappointment. Maybe it was because Sousuke and Oikawa was there with them, but as if Hanamaki would actually admit that to himself. He simply joined their table and went along with a usual, casual conversation. Oikawa would be ranting about Iwaizumi, or about this annoying guy in class. Makki and Matsukawa would make fun of Oikawa and even Sousuke would make sarcastic remarks.

 

The strawberry head couldn’t help but occasionally steal glances from Matsukawa, who was comfortable having Sousuke become unnaturally physical and touchy-feely with him. He couldn’t help feel his stomach flip at the sight.

 

After a while, the said two went to the counter to another set of drinks, leaving Oikawa and Makki alone. Hanamaki let out a deep and exasperated sigh.

 

“Makki, you’re too obvious,” Oikawa commented with a toothy grin. “You don’t have to sound so disappointed to find Sousuke and I here.”

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hanamaki avoided eye contact.

 

“Nah, you do. Although Mattsun texting you was Sousuke’s idea,” Oikawa stated. “Normally, I’m the one who’d hit you up on times like this.”

 

“That bastard.” Hanamaki facepalmed. He was aware that Sousuke knew what he was doing. He knew how Sousuke was most likely riling him up on purpose. What Hanamaki couldn’t figure, however, was the kind of relationship Sousuke had with Matsukawa.

 

He did tell Sousuke to do as he pleased but that didn’t mean that he could go on and about, stirring Makki up just when he had kept his composure all these time. Hanamaki knew Sousuke was bad news the moment he entered his life once again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Walking on the air conditioned corridors with a faint smell of medicine on every corner somehow made Matsukawa feel a little uneasy. As he neared the room, he felt his heart beat fast and his hands became cold. When he was about to open the door, he pictured his father attached to the dextrose. He pictured him with his dark skin and black curly hair, which Matsukawa got his hair from. He imagined his father greeting him with a warm smile like everything was perfectly normal and he was simply there because of a fever.

Maybe the first semester was still the period of adjusting for freshmen such as Hanamaki because just as he thought he had things worked out already, things took a hundred and eighty-degree turn.

 

Hanamaki was never the studious type back in high school and he had never diligently worked on his essays and deadlines. He couldn’t say that he was the same because the nearing end of the semester, and the summer heat of July was getting into his head. He brought his laptop with him and worked on whatever he could on peak hours. Occasionally, Kuroo would tease him about being ‘too earnest.’ What was bed hair monster doing there when his shift was still at midnight? Hanamaki had no idea.

 

“Easy for you to say. Smart people like you probably get by easier than most.” Hanamaki frowned as he typed his twenty-page essay. His eyes were glued to the screen and he was visibly sweating.

 

“When’s the deadline?” Kuroo asked.

 

“Tomorrow noon.” Hanamaki slightly groaned.

 

“How many pages have you written?”

 

“SEVEN!” Hanamaki hysterically screamed.

 

Kuroo sighed and smirked. He then held his thumbs up and remarked, “Good thing you have such a nice friend. Just go to the back room and do your work, I’ll cover up for both our shifts.”

 

Hanamaki comically teared up and beamed at him as he rushed into backroom. Boy, was he glad that Kuroo was around to save his ass. He still tried his best to help Kuroo on hours where there were a lot of customers and sometimes, he’d simply hang around while typing as he enjoyed Kuroo’s company. At some point, Bokuto came over and the peaceful ambiance of the place became livelier at the presence of the walking disaster. The great horned owl and his bright aura was contagious and Hanamaki enjoys doing his work in such a light-hearted atmosphere.

 

Later that evening, Oikawa came to the shop along with the ‘white-haired cinnamon demon’, as Hanamaki thought of Suga. While Suga went to take his seat, Oikawa stayed by the counter to chat for a bit. He was such a social butterfly that even the staff of that coffee shop became his friend.

 

“Didn’t know you were friends with the pretty setter,” Hanamaki commented without looking up from his laptop. He was seated on the polished wooden floor with his legs crossed.

 

“Yeah, it just happened,” Oikawa shrugged.

 

“Even Iwa is friends with the Sawamura guy.”

 

“Eh? Karasuno’s captain?” the chocolate-haired gasped.

 

“You don’t know? Don’t tell me, you two haven’t made up yet?” Makki guessed as he typed.

 

“It’s not that. He never really said much. He just apologized and said it’s got nothing to do with me.” Oikawa was pouting.

 

“Eh? You sound so disappointed.” Hanamaki blankly hummed.

 

“Of course I would! I thought he was doing it for me but then he tells me that?” the other complained.

 

Hanamaki roughly pressed the save button and shut his laptop tight. This made Oikawa slightly flinch, he stiffened even more when Hanamaki shot him a glare. “Makki?”

 

Makki inhaled. Then exhaled.

 

“Wasn’t that why you got mad at the first place? Because you thought you were holding him back? Why on earth are you complaining now? Shouldn’t you apologize for driving him nuts because you were being moody and crap? Besides. Isn’t it such as nice thing to have someone like Iwaizumi? Don’t take him for granted. Stop riling him up like that! Just so you know, he really got down when he didn’t even know what exactly did he do. Why aren’t you two even dating--,”

 

Kuroo covered his mouth when he noticed the change of Oikawa’s expressions. He then bowed and apologized, “I’m really sorry about this. Summer heat and deadlines, you know?”

 

“Yeah, sure. I get it,” Oikawa let out an empty chuckle as his face got pale. He took his drink and went back to take his seat with Suga.

 

The look on his face wasn’t nice and he seemed, hurt. Hanamaki realized this. He mumbled an apology to Kuroo but the other simply shook his head and said, “You should apologize to him instead.”

 

After he had finished his shift, Hanamaki rushed to his apartment. Even if it was past midnight, it was natural for him to find Iwaizumi awake and studying in the dining room. _Now that’s what an earnest student truly looks like._

 

After dropping his things, Hanamaki dragged himself to his bedroom and texted Oikawa,

 

_i’m really sorry about earlier. it wasn’t my intention to put it that way. really.  can i somehow make it up to you?_

 

There was no immediate reply, considering the time. He later joined Iwaizumi in the dining room and did his own work.

 

It was quiet, but not the awkward and deafening kind. All that could be heard were the clicking and entering of Hanamaki’s keyboard and Iwaizumi’s fingers that were constantly tapping the table.

 

“I may or may not have said something that I shouldn’t have,” Hanamaki blurted out of the blue, breaking the silence.

 

***

 

Iwaizumi pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew that Hanamaki was at fault for sayings things like that but at the same time, he couldn’t really blame him for losing his cool. Well, maybe it was a bit of a good thing since Hanamaki did get mad at Oikawa for his sake but then he ended up hurting him.

 

“Sorry about for spilling some things, it wasn’t my intention, really,” Hanamaki sighed. “I already sent him a text, but I still plan apologizing personally.”

 

“Nah, it’s okay. Besides, I was planning on letting him know soon,” Iwaizumi informed.

 

“Oh, you are? When?”

 

“Over the break, maybe?”

 

“That must take a lot of courage.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m sure I’ll be ready by then,” Iwaizumi agreed. “Besides, you’re the one who told me that he’s gonna have to find out at some point.”

 

***

 

Hanamaki was convinced that Iwaizumi was truly a commendable man. Not only was he great at sports, he was smarter than average and he was a hard-worker. He even forgave him for one, spilling his secrets indirectly, and two, for hurting his beloved. Apart from that, he was even prepared to face his concerns head-on.

 

Hanamaki wished he could say the same to himself. But no, he thought of himself as a coward who does nothing but run away instead of solving anything. Always hiding, always avoiding. He even got  pissed on other people who were closer than average friendship to Matsukawa when he didn’t have any right to.

 

Despite feeling that way about himself, he couldn’t help but feel his mood darken at the sight of the eyesore in front of him. “What do you want?” he grumbled.

 

“Come on, Makki-chan, no need to be to grim. I’m just ordering coffee,” Sousuke teased.

 

“It’s summer break! Shouldn’t you be skipping by the seaside with sparkles and flowers around you?” the other hissed.

 

“Just who do you take me for?” Sousuke gasped. “Besides, us third years don’t have the luxury to take a break. We have thesis to work on.”

 

“Like I care. Just order something and leave,” Hanamaki scowled.

 

“Geez, you’re only mean to me, and you used to be so cute when you were in high school,” Sousuke complained.

 

Hanamaki rolled his eyes.

 

“I’ll have iced coffee.”

 

Sousuke was there to pester him. He would enter the coffee shop while sneering at Makki and ordering the same damn iced coffee. Just like now, Sousuke would humm as he watched his coffee being prepared, much to Hanamaki’s discomfort.

 

“Do you hate to see me with Matsu-chan that much?” Sousuke asked.

 

Hanamaki glared. “I just don’t like you, that’s all.”

 

“Is it because no matter how many passes I make, he doesn’t mind while your so scared that a single mistake in eye contact will change everything?”

 

Hanamaki remained quiet.

 

***

 

While Hanamaki spent  his break doing extra shifts, Matsukawa went back to Miyagi along with Oikawa and Suga. Iwaizumi and Daichi decided to stay in the uni over the break because of their volleyball practices.

 

Matsukawa had only been away from Miyagi for almost four months, but coming home like this summer break made it feel like he was away for much longer. Despite the summer heat, the air was cool and fresh the moment he stepped out of the train. The streets were much more brighter and trees and mountains were at his field of sight. The roads weren’t filled with smoke and dirt. Miyagi really was different from Tokyo.

 

After parting ways with Suga, Matsukawa and Oikawa walked home together. Walking home on the same road, headed for their home reminded the two of their high school days, which weren’t exactly so far behind but still made them feel like it was so long ago.

 

Oikawa took a turn to a different street, parting ways with Mattsun.

 

It felt nice to feel the warmth of summer on his skin while walking home. Matsukawa wished that Hanamaki was there with him at that very moment.

 

When he arrived, Matsukawa was greeted with tight hugs from his mother and two younger siblings. He couldn’t help but beam at them as he was happy to see his family again. However, his happiness was short-lived.

 

It didn’t feel right at the moment but when dinner came, Matsukawa finally asked, “Mom, where’s dad?”

 

The two younger siblings, who were bickering at the dinner table suddenly stopped and became quiet. His mother’s expression darkened. “Issei.” She sounded hesitant at first.

 

“The truth is, we are struggling financially. He has been hospitalized for a while now.”

 

“What?” Matsukawa raised his voice. “Why-why didn’t you tell me sooner? What the hell happened?”

 

“Stage four, lung cancer,” his mother uttered. “He begged me not to tell you, he didn’t want to worry you.”

 

“I could have helped!”

 

“No, Issei, your priority is to study. You know that.”

 

“No, my priority is you guys. Did you not plan on telling me any time soon?”

 

His mother sternly eyed his younger siblings, and soon they rushed upstairs. His mother then continued, “In all honesty, no.”

 

“Mom, I can still help, please,” Matsukawa begged.

 

“No, hun. It might get in the way of your future. We’re struggling but we got this.” His mother gave him a weak smile. Matsukawa hadn’t noticed it before, but the sides of his mothers eyes had lines and her wrinkles were more evident when she smiles.

 

“Please let me help you.”

 

“No, we don’t want to hold you back because of us.”

 

***

 

Even if his parents were against it, Matsukawa resolved to look for several jobs he could juggle to help them with money. He didn’t feel like he was being held back at all. Rather, he would prefer to be held back and work instead of lying around, doing nothing while seeing father die slowly and his mother, struggle with money.

 

The next day, he contacted Oikawa and asked about the Little Tykes Volleyball Classroom he used to coach at. He figured he could earn cash if he worked there. He also remembered passing by a flower shop the previous day which was looking for a part-timer. As he tried to look for jobs, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Sousuke texted him.

 

 _wish you were here its boring and makki-chan is being cold to me_ : _\_

 

Matsukawa laughed and replied,

 

_lol what did you do??_

 

A reply came in shortly.

 

 _Idk hes always been pissy with me_ : _|_

Matsukawa had always acted indifferent towards Sousuke. Although, he would normally play along whenever he’d make flirtatious remarks or whenever he would become touchier than what was considered normal. He didn’t feel different but he was okay with it. However, if wasn’t sure what kind of relationship did he have with him exactly.

 

“Matsu-chan, I like you,” Sousuke once said flatly when they were hanging out in the diner.

 

“Okay,” was all that the curly-haired responded.

 

“Really? No emotions at all?” Sousuke laughed.

 

Matsukawa simply shrugged followed by Sousuke, ruffling his hair.

 

Despite the straight-up rejection, Sousuke still continued with his flirty moves. Matsukawa couldn’t really care less but having someone like Sousuke around distracted Matsukawa from all his concerns.

 

Matsukawa typed in a quick reply and shoved his phone into his pocket. He then carried on with his quick job hunting. After a few days, he was able to start coaching at Lil Tykes and work at the flower shop. No matter how many times his mother protested, it was all to no avail as Matsukawa insisted on working.

 

On one of his day off, he mentally prepared himself to pay his father a visit on the hospital. Matsukawa was a fit and healthy person, so making a trip to the hospital wasn’t exactly normal for him. He remembered the last time he did was back in their third year, when Hanamaki texted him about Oikawa’s injury and he and Iwaizumi rushed to visit him..

 

Walking on the air conditioned corridors with a faint smell of medicine on every corner somehow made Matsukawa feel a little uneasy. As he neared the room, he felt his heart beat fast and his hands became cold. When he was about to open the door, he pictured his father attached to the dextrose. He pictured him with his dark skin and black curly hair, which Matsukawa got his hair from. He imagined his father greeting him with a warm smile like everything was perfectly normal and he was simply there because of a fever.

 

Matsukawa took a deep breath.

 

What met his eyes was the opposite of what he had expected. Sure, there was dextrose attached to his father, but his skin was pale, his body had already lost tons of weight and his hair was gone. There was no sign of a brightly beaming man, the only one in that room was a sick one whose struggles were evident in his eyes. Matsukawa felt his heart drop down to his stomach.

 

***

 

Since Iwaizumi spent most of his time practicing and working, Hanamaki was often left alone in their apartment. Only a week had passed since summer break started, but it already felt like months for Hanamaki. With more time than usual on his hand, he already finished a fourth of their summer schoolwork.

 

With barely anything going on, always lying on his bed and scrolling through his phone led his mind to drift off on the phone call he had with his mother a few days prior. It was just a typical conversation between a worried mom and her first year college son. She’d ask how he was holding up, or if managed his money well, or if he was turning in his deadlines and the like.

 

It wasn’t really ‘that much of a big deal’ but a part of Hanamaki had always carried the guilt of not coming out to his parents. He had a hardworking mother and a father who was willing to support him in whatever path he chose to take for his future, but perhaps that was because they want their name to carry on that their giving Makki full support. That’s why Hanamaki knew that despite his loose upbringing, being a homosexual was a completely different topic for his parents.

 

Maybe hearing his mother being so loving and worried became a trigger point for Hanamaki’s lingering guilt. He knew he couldn’t keep it from them forever and that’s why he nearly came out during that one phone call he kept on remembering. But of course, he had kept it a secret all those time, so playing it off with a  “nevermind” was simple enough for Hanamaki.

 

Not that hiding it made him feel any better though because if it did, he wouldn’t really drop his phone while he blankly stared at the ceiling on a hot, summer noon.

 

***

 

Matsukawa wasn’t holding up well. Sure, he was working a few part-time jobs to help his family with the bills but that that didn’t help the fact that his father was alone in a hospital bedroom, and the thought of him leaving them terrified Matsukawa. He could barely contain the growing anxiety in his chest. Sure, the doctor hadn’t anything like, “Your father only has 2 years to live,” but a part of him felt that it was going there--that it was somewhere in the near future. With haunting thoughts like these, even the distractions didn’t help ease Matsukawa’s mind.

 

Every now and then, Sousuke would call to check on him, sometimes Oikawa would text him about how his nephew had improved, or Hanamaki would send him memes about his mood. _That’s right, Hiro!_

 

Matsukawa searched for the name in his contacts immediately pressed the call button. When the line connected, he greeted, “Yo, what’s up?”

 

“Eh? Not much, just work and deadlines,” Hanamaki answered from the other side. “Why’d you call?”

 

“No reason, really. I just heard that Sousuke’s been pesterin’ you in your shifts.”

 

Hanamaki groaned. Matsukawa guessed that he had a hard eye roll. “Yeah, that guy’s been acting like a know-it-all.”

“Why, did you do anything?” Matsukawa asked.

 

‘Nope! I swear he read me like an open book and viola! He uses his new-found info against me!” the other complained.

 

This piqued Matsukawa’s interest. He then smirked and jeered, “Oh? What did he find out?”

 

There was a long pause which had Matsukawa calling out, “Hiro?”

 

“Oh, hahaha, nothing important, really,” Hanamaki stammered. “Putting that bastard aside, what have you been up to this summer?”

 

The black-haired man frowned at the obvious dodging of the topic but decided to go along, instead of making his friend uncomfortable. “I’m working as a coach at Lil Tykes and at the flower shop nearby.”

 

“Eh? A scary-looking guy like you is working at a flower shop and coaching  little kids? The children must be terrified,” Hanamaki joked.

 

“Haha, I know right,” Matsukawa laughed.

  
"..."

 

“Hey, Issei?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I need to tell--,”

 

“NIII-CHAN!” The two shifted their attention at the shout. “Come play with us!”

 

Matsukawa saw his younger siblings calling him from outside his window. He gestured them to wait as he returned to his call.

 

“Sorry about that. You were saying?”

 

“Nah, it’s nothing,” Hanamaki shrugged. “Seems like you’re busy now. Bye!”

 

Hanamaki hung up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhh sorry. the story is all over the place but i'll do my best


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upbeat songs, neon colors, fast movement and drunken laughs. Hanamaki danced with a girl whose name he didn’t know. They just went with the flow of the melody or they’d jump along the noise with everybody else. Hanamaki wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol, but he was sweating, his heart was raising and he was giggling with the girl. He was actually having fun.

Summer break was halfway finished, just like Hanamaki’s schoolwork. His college summer break was the most uneventful one so far. Sometimes, uneventful could equal peaceful however, Hanamaki could barely associate the word ‘peace’ with his break as a certain nuisance named Sousuke was around. It was on days like this one that would make Hanamaki want to scream.

 

As he worked on Sousuke’s coffee, Sousuke dialed something in his phone and greeted, “Oh? Matsu-chan? How’re ‘ya?”

 

He gave Hanamaki a smirk and continued to talk to Matsukawa, loud enough for the other to hear. When he handed him his coffee, Hanamaki sighed, “I can’t believe that you’re the captain Issei admired when we were in high school. All of your desirable traits has been obliterated.”

 

“Heh, say what you will,” Sousuke laughed. “I swear you’ll thank me later.”

 

“Over my dead body!” Hanamaki stuck his tongue out like a little kid.

 

Sousuke hummed his way out of the coffee shop. _Good riddance,_ the strawberry blonde sighed in relief. He continued his shift peacefully. When midnight was approaching, Kuroo entered the coffee shop and gave Hanamaki a flyer.

 

***

 

Hanamaki had been to a couple of parties when he was in highschool so entering a stranger’s house and dancing along the heavy beat of music wasn’t anything new. All the drunk freshmen kids (and some seniors and sophomores), the bright neon colors and the loud music blasting through the speakers were all a familiar sight. Sure, college kids were much wilder but other than that, Hanamaki couldn’t feel any different from before.

 

After getting his own beer, Hanamaki stepped outside to get some air. In all honesty, he really didn’t have an idea why he agreed to come to the party with Kuroo, who was nowhere to be found.

 

“Here, take this,” Kuroo said the previous day as he shoved a flyer to Hanamaki’s face. “It just might brighten your dull summer.”

 

“Nah, I’m good,” Hanamaki declined as he eyes the paper.

 

“Come on, it’ll be fun!” Kuroo convinced.

 

“What do you want?” Hanamaki questioned, knowing that Kuroo probably needed him from something.

 

“I normally go with Bokuto but he’s visiting someone. Please come with me?” the bed hair monster practically begged.

 

“No.”

 

“Please?”

 

“NO.”

 

“Okay, fine.” Kuroo gave up, disappointed. But it was soon followed by a mischievous grin. “But I’m kinda bored right now. Should I invite Sousuke to hang with us? Hm, ‘Makki-chan’?”

 

“Fuck you,” Hanamaki groaned in frustration.

 

‘I’ll take that as a yes,” Kuroo smirked.

  


Hanamaki sighed as he remembered why he was dragged into all the trouble. He took  a sip from his beer and decided he’d stay out of the house to enjoy the cool breeze of summer nights. Maybe the party wasn’t so bad afterall. I mean, Hanamaki wouldn’t complain if he had a free drink and a calm night. He figured he’d rather appreciate the peace which wasn’t always with him rather than bitterly sulking somewhere.

 

He was seated on the sidewalk when  an unfamiliar voice startled the boy.

 

“Mind if I join you?”

 

When he looked to his right, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. There stood a relatively tall woman with dark skin and long, black and curly hair. She had thick eyebrows, seemingly bored eyes and a busty chest.  

 

The girl awkwardly stared back at Hanamaki, waiting for a response.

 

Hanamaki returned to his senses and mumbled, “Yeah, sure, I don’t mind.”

 

The girl sat next to him and commented, “I take that you’re not a party kinda guy?”

 

“Guess not,” Hanamaki shrugged, not looking at the girl.

 

“What are you doing here, then?”

 

“I got dragged by a friend.” The other took a sip from his cup.

 

“That’s what they all say.” The girl rolled her eyes.

 

“What are _you_ doing here, then?” He returned.

 

“I tagged along my friends but I lost them.”

 

“That’s what they all say,” Hanamaki chuckled.

 

The girl stood up, dusted her denim skirt and walked in front of Hanamaki.

 

“Hey, let’s dance,” she invited as she held her hand out the other.

  


***

 

Upbeat songs, neon colors, fast movement and drunken laughs. Hanamaki danced with a girl whose name he didn’t know. They just went with the flow of the melody or they’d jump along the noise with everybody else. Hanamaki wasn’t sure if it was because of the alcohol, but he was sweating, his heart was raising and he was giggling with the girl. He was actually having fun.

 

***

 

From the distance, Kuroo watched as Hanamaki sloppily danced around with a girl he didn’t recognized. Kuroo had been working with Hanamaki since the end March and although he knew it was none of his business, he couldn’t help but want to cheer him up when Makki had grown to be gloomier with each passing day.

 

He smiled to himself when he saw how light the air around the pair was. Kuroo didn’t actually drink because Oikawa had texted him, saying that he wasn’t sure what Hanamaki’s alcohol tolerance was and it wouldn’t be smart to leave him alone in a stranger’s house. If he got himself drunk, Kuroo would have to save his ass.

 

After half an hour or so, Kuroo had to take Hanamaki from the girl accompanying him. Hanamaki could barely walk as the dark haired girl became worried. She then apologized, “I’m really sorry!”

 

“Hm? What for?” Kuroo wondered what happened when he was away for a short while.

  


***

 

Hanamaki woke up with a throbbing headache. He groaned loudly as he stood up. He looked around and was relieved to find himself in his bedroom considering that something may have happened the previous night after the party. _What the hell happened last night?_ He noticed that he was still heavily clothed with his skinny jeans, black tee, grey hoodie and his socks on. While his legs were still slightly weak, he made his way to the bathroom and cleaned himself up.

 

_Loud music, bright neon colors…_

 

His head started throbbing harder. He tried to recall as much as he could because he felt that he should remember something important.

 

Then, it clicked.

 

He remembered the stranger he danced with. The girl who strangely resembled Matsukawa in some ways. He really couldn’t remember a lot though. He remembered a bit of dancing and a lot of drinking and that was it. He wished nothing more happened.

 

When Hanamaki stepped out of his room, there was a note on the table which said, “There’s food on the fridge. Just heat up the soup, it’s good for a hangover. -Iwa.”

 

When he went to work that evening, Kuroo noticed that Hanamaki was doing better than he was expecting. Curious, Kuroo commented, “You’re doing a lot better than I thought.”

 

“Yeah,” the other shrugged. “I have an amazing roommate who took care of me after the party even if I didn’t tell anything about going to one.”

 

“Hey, I took you home and cleaned  you up a bit,” Kuroo pouteed.

 

“Funny, because you ditched me in the party that you forced me to go.” Hanamaki rolled his eyes.

 

“No, seriously, I did. You got too drunk because you challenged this girl to a drinking game.”

 

“I what?” Hanamaki couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

 

“Y’know, she said you got bored of dancing so you challenged her to a drinking game and she didn’t know you were weak to alcohol and stuff,” Kuroo chuckled.

 

“Seriously? Holy shit,” Hanamaki cursed.

  


Just when Hanamaki was about to end his shift, a familiar girl entered the coffee shop. Although she seemed hesitant at first, her expression lit up when her eyes landed on Hanamaki. She smiled and waved her hands. Hanamaki awkwardly waved his hand back.

 

“I was actually worried about you,” she said as she approached the counter. Her voice was deeper than most girls’ but Hanamaki thought it was sweet and comforting.

 

“Sorry for the trouble I caused.” Hanamaki scratched the back of his neck.

 

“No, it’s okay. I enjoyed the party because of you.” She beamed at the strawberry blonde. “Anyway, I’m Aiko. I’m a freshman in creative writing.”

 

“Oh, I’m Hanamaki,” he introduced.

 

“Actually, Hanamaki-san, I’m interested in you.”

 

“Is that so? I’m flattered.” At that point, Hanamaki wasn’t sure if he liked where it was going.

 

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

 

Hanamaki shook his head. He seriously didn’t like what was happening.

 

“Really? Then how about I become your’s?” She suggested flirtatiously.

 

“Ah, I’m really sorry but I’m not interested. Besides, I don’t know you that well,” he rejected. He didn’t like rushing into things and he didn’t like girls either. Not that he’d tell her that.

 

“Aw, sucks,” Aiko pouted. “Well, I’ll stop by another time if that’s okay. I’d like to get to know you, Hanamaki-san.”

 

“I don’t mind,” Hanamaki lied for the sake of not being rude to a stranger.

  


***

 

Days went by, then weeks. The next thing Hanamaki knew, he was rushing all his work because the second semester was about to begin. Hanamaki remembered a lot of days spent working, pushing Sousuke away, lazing around in his apartment  and interacting with Aiko as she flirted. Aiko was actually nice and sweet, Hanamaki had to admit. She’d give him small gifts and engage in casual conversations that weren’t anything personal or sexual. They really were just getting to know each other and she never acted as flirtatious as she was back then. In fact, Hanamaki didn’t dislike having her around as she was also friendly.

 

However, he didn’t like the thought of being drawn to her. One of the reasons why he was being nice to her was because of her slight resemblance with Matsukawa and he didn’t want to use another girl as a replacement. Which was why he never made Aiko meet any of his other friends or the other way around. He knew Sousuke and Oikawa would immediately sense something.

 

As he typed away in his laptop, he heard his phone buzz. When he checked, it was a text from Oikawa.

 

_No, it’s ok Makki. I should actually be thanking you instead ;)_

 

Thanking him? Hanamaki was certainly confused. He and Oikawa hadn’t had the proper chance to talk ever since that day he snapped at him in the coffee shop and then Oikawa was thanking him? Before Hanamaki could type a reply, Oikawa was already calling him.

 

“Makki!”

 

“Oikawa? Why the hell are you thanking me?” Hanamaki asked, quite lost.

 

“Hello to you, too, Makki. It’s all thanks to you that Iwa-chan and I are together now!” Oikawa explained excitedly.  

 

“Woah  seriously? Congratulations you two but, I didn’t do anything.”

 

“If it weren’t for the things you said, I wouldn’t have been able to realize how much Iwa-chan means to me and how important he is,” Oikawa replied.

 

“Oh, I see. Well, congrats, really. Took you guys long enough,” Hanamaki softly laughed.

 

“How about you, Makki?” Oikawa asked. “What’s taking you guys so long?”

 

Hanamaki didn’t answer for a bit. For him, that question was like asking when will pigs fly. He knew it was impossible for him and Matsukawa which was why he never bothered trying. After a short pause, Hanamaki let out an bitter chuckle, “Nothing”

 

“Makki?”

 

“Sorry, Oikawa. I gotta go, someone’s calling me. Bye, and I’m happy for you two by the way!”

 

Hanamaki hung up.

***

 

Everything seemed to be back to normal when the second semester began. Well, maybe there were a few changes. On days where the four of them stayed in the library, there was a sweet and flowery air circling around Iwaizumi and Oikawa, much to Matsukawa’s disgust. Another change he noticed was how little the time Hanamaki spent with them became. Although he wasn’t sure why because he never really said a thing. Matsukawa didn’t really feel him becoming distant, it was more of like, he was becoming avoidant. He’d turn down when invited, if he did hang out, he rarely stayed long. Matsukawa convinced himself that Hanamaki was simply busy since he was a procrastinator.

 

But Matsukawa changed his mind the moment Kuroo texted him his address at midnight, asking him if it was okay to pick Hanamaki up because he was about to be late for work. Apparently, Hanamaki was drunk and he could barely stand straight.

 

So there he was, his arms supporting Hanamaki’s back as he helped him walk to his apartment. He even had to give his jacket to Hanamaki because he was dressed too lightly for fall midnight. “Hiro?” he softly called.

 

“Hmmm?” Hanamaki grinned.

 

“Why were you drinking at Kuroo’s?”

 

“Just felt like it,” he mumbled.

 

“Did anything happen?”

“Yeah.”

 

“What happened, Hiro?”

 

Hanamaki nearly tripped, failing to answer the question. When they got to his apartment, Matsukawa took Hanamaki to his room. He removed his shoes and socks, took of his jacket and laid him in his bed. He was about to leave when he heard a soft whisper, “Issei?”

 

Matsukawa looked back at his friend, who wore a pained expression on his flushed face. Hanamaki wobbled as he sat up from his bed. ‘Issei, don’t leave. Not you, too.”

 

“Hiro, I’m not going anywhere.” Matsukawa rushed to sit beside Hanamaki. “No one’s going anywhere.”

 

“First, there’s Oikawa and Iwaizumi.” Hanamaki’s voice was hoarse.

 

“They aren’t leaving you,” Matsukawa comforted. He wasn’t entirely sure where Hanamaki was getting at.

 

“Yes, I can feel them go away. Then there’s my mom and my dad. They’d probably leave me if they had a choice,” Hanamaki lamented.

 

Matsukawa was confused but the expression on Hanamaki’d face made him feel his heart ache as well. Hanamaki proceeded to lean in, his face only an inch away from Matsukawa. The dark haired boy gulped in attempt to swallow his nervousness. “Hiro? What are you--,”

 

Hanamaki, without a single warning, latched his lips onto Matsukawa’s. Before Matsukawa could process the suddden action, Hanamaki pulled away and leaned on his broad shoulders. Matsukawa was left with an intense blush as he took in the short moment of the kiss.

 

They remained like that for a few minutes until he could hear Hanamaki’s soft snores. He gently laid him back to bed and wrapped his blanket on him.

 

If there was anything that Matsukawa wanted to know, it was how much Hanamaki could remember about that night.

 

***

Hanamaki woke up with a painful headache. His whole body was aching and he felt slightly nauseous. He knew that he went to Kuroo’s apartment just to drink and share their bitterness in life. His head throbbed harder as he forced his head to remember more. And little by little, he could remember Matsukawa, entering Kuroo’s apartment and so on.

 

He went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He then ended up nearly choking on water when he remembered what he did to Matsukawa and how his gesture wasn’t returned.

 

Hanamaki was more frustrated that morning than when he ended his phone call with his parents.  Hanamaki’s chest grew heavy as he tried to contain every ounce of emotion he felt in him. It was like everything was being thrown at him all at once. Oikawa and Iwaizumi, dating, his call with his parents and how he ruined his relationship with Matsukawa.

 

Lost and in pain, Hanamaki suddenly found himself contacting Aiko.


	7. Chapter 7

Matsukawa had so many questions. He wanted to know why Hanamaki was drinking with Kuroo, he wanted to know what he was talking about with him, he wanted to know what he meant by people leaving him behind and most of all, he wanted to know why Hanamaki kissed Matsukawa. It was like a switch, it was as if that kiss immediately made Matsukawa realize something very important. He thought maybe, just maybe, Hanamaki felt the same way Matsukawa did for him.

 

All the hopes and possibilities were immediately crushed when Hanamaki approached him and said, “Yo, dude. Sorry I bothered you last night. Kuroo told me that you took me home.”

 

“Kuroo told you?” Matsukawa asked in disbelief.

 

“Yeah. I don’t remember much.” Hanamaki scratched the back of his neck. 

 

Matsukawa gulped in attempt to stop himself from getting mad at Hanamaki. He wasn’t really sure if he should be getting mad but to cause him this frustration was too much. In fact, somewhere deep in him thought that Hanamaki could be lying to avoid making things complicated, which riled him up even more.

 

Instead, with a slightly croaky voice, he laughed, “You idiot. You better be careful because if you’re not, I might end up getting pictures of you for blackmailing.”

 

“Wah, no thanks,” Hanamaki chuckled. “Thanks, though. For real.”

 

The two stayed in the library in silence. Matsukawa studying for his class while Hanamaki typed his homework. As the stillness made him anxious, Matsukawa finally asked, “What happened?”

 

“Eh?” Hanamaki was confused.

 

“At Kuroo’s. Why were you drinking, it didn’t seem like something you’d do.”

“Ah, that.” Hanamaki smiled a little. “It just stress.”

“Don’t mess with me, Hiro,” Matsukawa glared. “I’m not convinced after what you said last night.”

“Last night?”

“Last night, you said your parents left you. You said that Iwaizumi and Oikawa were leaving you. You know, it confused the hell out of me. I got worried,” the other sighed.

“Oh.” The strawberry blonde seemed hesitant at first but when he saw how genuine the look of concern in Matsukuwa’s eyes were, he gave in and said, “I came out and it didn’t go well.   
  


“Maybe it was the out of guilt or sheer pressure but I couldn’t stand hiding anything from them after all the things they’ve done for me. And there it happened. I called them, told them the truth and they got mad. Said they wanted a baby. Said they’d cut off my allowance. At least they’re kind enough to pay for my tuition.” Hanamaki laughed and shrugged. “Now that I think about it, it wasn’t so bad after all.”

***

Hanamaki wasn’t  sure what to say next. He told Matsukawa what happened but really, it didn’t feel good or bad anymore. He wasn’t so anxious about it, he didn’t feel bad about what happened to him or the like. Being rejected like that by his parents, after thinking things through, it wasn’t all so bad for Hanamaki,  _ right _ ?

That’s why when Matsukawa was about to say something to comfort him or to say something about his parents, Hanamaki beamed at him to show him that he was okay and he didn’t need it. Because Hanamaki was okay,  _ right _ ?

And so he decided to go to work. When he had a lot of time to spare, he called Aiko over. “What’s up?” she asked.

“About last night’s call,” Hanamaki started.

“You were probably drunk and that you didn’t mean it,” Aiko continued. “I get it.”

“No, I was serious.” Hanamaki looked straight into her eyes.

“You want me?” She seemed confused. “I thought you were… not straight?”

Hanamaki sighed. He knew it would be hard to explain things since Aiko knew he wasn’t straight but all he wanted to happen to let Aiko into his life. The girl had always been nice to him and she was genuinely caring. 

Hanamaki took a deep breath and said, “I want to be able to love you.”

***

Hanamaki did not expect that one day, he’d be able to properly introduce a proper girlfriend. When he started college, it never really crossed his head but there he was, with Aiko by his side, entering the coffee where everyone else were. 

When Oikawa found them, he immediately gave Hanamaki a slight frown. 

“Everyone, this is my girlfriend, Aiko.” Hanamaki was visibly sweating as he gestured to the girl to sit beside him. “Aiko, these are my friends.”

“You got yourself a beauty, Makki,” Iwaizumi commented.

“Oya. Doesn’t she look kinda familiar?” Sousuke playfully teased but his face was dark. “I feel like I’ve seen her before, right, Makki-chan?”

Hanamaki gulped and laughed. 

  
  


Oikawa’s frown and Sousuke’s jokes weren’t a mere coincidence. At least he could tell that much. And Hanamaki could only hope that the two won’t be cornering him. But hoping didn’t really do anything to help him

“Hey, Aiko-san, are you sure he’s okay for you?” Sousuke grinned. “He isn’t acting strange or anything, right?”

  
  


No one said anything. It was almost as if they knew where Sousuke was getting at and that they agreed with him. Just as Hanamaki was supposed to say something, Aiko sweetly smiled and answered, “Are you referring to him being gay?”

Everyone, including Hanamaki himself, was dumbfounded.

  
  


“Because if that’s what you’re referring to then I’m fine. I am perfectly aware about it so could you please stop dissing at him?”

  
  


Sousuke gulped and he was at loss for words. There was around a solid ten seconds before the silence was broken by Sousuke by making a casual remark and lightening up the subject.

That evening, when everyone left, Oikawa confronted Hanamaki when they were the only ones left at the coffee shop. “Alright, Makki, what’s the deal with that girl?”

“She’s my girlfriend?” Hanamaki shrugged.

“Makki.” Oikawa unsurprisingly sounded unsatisfied with by his answer. 

Hanamaki, at that point, was visibly sweating. No, he didn’t have to do as Oikawa said. Yes, he was slightly feeling guilty despite how everything seemed perfect at the start. Why was he guilty? Maybe because he was once again lying to god knows who.

“Seeing her, it makes me feel like I’m questioning my sexuality again.” Hanamaki obliged. “You know what I mean? I feel like my feelings for her are different, okay?”

“No, it’s not okay,” Oikawa lightly scolded. “It’s never okay. You’ll only end up hurting someone.” The chocolate haired shook his head.

“I decided that I want her, Oikawa. I won’t mess this up, I swear,” Hanamaki’s tone was dead serious.

Oikawa sighed and breathed out in frustration, “How about Mattsun? I thought you wanted him for years.”

“Yeah but things are different now,” Hanamaki lied.

Maybe Oikawa didn’t want to argue with Makki anymore, which was why their conversation was cut short. Hanamaki left Oikawa and decided to head home.

***

The air surrounding Matsukawa and Sousuke around the room was warm. After meeting Hanamaki’s girlfriend, Matsukawa decided to stay over at Sousuke’s apartment. So there he  was, in the dim bedroom filled with books and papers all over the floor. There was a slight air of tension in the room until Matsukawa started, “The way Hiro looked at the girl,”

“Hm?” Sousuke looked at the man who was sitting at the edge of his bed.

“It seemed so sincere and genuine. Has he truly found someone?” Matsukawa’s voice was hoarse.

“I sensed that, too,” Sousuke answered honestly. “But,”  _ He’s just using the girl because she looks like you, _ \-- Sousuke wanted to continue but dared not to.

“I know it seemed impossible but for fuck’s sake, it suddenly seems so real.” At that point, Matsukawa had began sobbing gently accompanied by an empty laugh. “Ah, I’m so pathetic.”

Sousuke sat closer to Matsukawa. “Hey,” he whispered.

“Sousuke-san,” Matsukawa breathed out, leaning his face closer to Sousuke’s. “Is this okay?” 

“Matsukawa?”  Sousuke asked.

Not long after, Matsukawa was already lying on Sousuke’s bed, panting heavily. Sousuke, with heat and sweat spreading throughout his body, crawled on top of him. Matsukawa pulled Sousuke for a kiss, and still, he was sobbing lightly. “Are you sure about this?” Sousuke gently whispered.

“Please,” the other cried. “Just break me.”

  
  


***

It was oddly comforting for Hanamaki to know that he was having such an ordinary scenario first thing in the morning. And by ordinary scenario, he meant asking his roommate what clothes to wear on a casual date, although he was slightly reminded of his highschool days.

“I’d say you stick with the black jeans,” Iwaizumi said, leaning by Hanamaki’s bedroom door. “Girls find it sexy when boys wear skinny jeans, according to Oikawa.”

“Well, I guess I’d take that advice if it’s from Oikawa.” Makki laughed.

He headed straight to the amusement park. When he arrived, he was immediately captivated by the way Aiko looked. For a flash moment, he saw Matsukawa but Hanamaki ignored this and focused on the effort Aiko put on her appearance.

“You look great,” Hanamaki said faintly, but enough for his date to hear. Aiko responded with a flustered look. 

“Shall we go, then?” She managed to utter through her sudden nervousness.

The two first tried out several rides and games before eating lunch. And then, they saved the ferris wheel for last. 

“This is kinda cliche, isn’t it?” Aiko laughed.

“Yeah, but it’s fun right?” Hanamaki smiled, earning another blush from Aiko.

Looking at Aiko, at her tanned skin, at her bushy eyebrows and at her dark curly hair made Hanmaki slightly flustered. He convinced himself that she was the one he wants now despite ignoring the guilt that would stike him from time to time. Guilt from what? Hanamaki knew, but dared not admit it to himself.

When the day was ending, Aiko casually suggested, “My roommate will be out tonight, do you want to drop by my dorm?”

Hanamaki knew what she was suggesting, and Hanamaki complied anyway. At first, he wasn’t sure if he could do it with a girl, but Aiko was different. That’s what Hanamaki repeated to himself, avoiding the constant image of Matsukawa that would flash before him whenever he looked at the girl. 

***

Matsukawa, although not entirely in favor of it, was used to seeing Hanamaki and Aiko together. He even congratulated Makki for being able to do it with a girl for the first time. But things haven't necessarily gone well, and he could sense Hanamaki distancing himself. But Matsukawa wasn't the one to talk either, because he himself had been distant for quite a while. 

"What's gotten into you and Makki lately?" Iwaizumi asked. There were rare times like this where Matsukawa and Iwaizumi are the only ones at Matsukawa's dorm.

 

While leaning on the wall beside his bed, Matsukawa gave an empty smile and shrugged, "I honestly don't know. It just happened."

 

After a short silence, Iwaizumi started,  "You know, I was scared, too."

 

Matsukawa gave him a vulnerable look as his smile slowly turned into a frown. He sat on the floor and remained silent. And then he asked, "Do you still have your doubts?"

 

Iwaizumi smiled. "Sometimes, I'd wonder if I made the right decision of abandoning my dream college for Oikawa, but thinking about it now, I don't have regrets."

 

"That sounds nice." Matsukawa sighed.

 

"You'll regret it later if you don't tell Makki now," the other stated.

 

"But he's already with someone."

 

"Are you really playing dumb about this?" Iwaizumi laughed. "What do you think are Hanamaki's feelings for you?"

 

Mattsun was taken aback by the sudden question. He had been thinking about that for a while, and he knew somewhere deep inside him that everything Hanamaki does was a lie. He looked back into his memories and knew that the way Hanamaki would look at him back then 'till now was different. But at some point, Matsukawa was not sure whether his assumptions were real, or was he simply being delusional.

"I think my feelings are reciprocated," he finally admitted. "But our lives are both a mess right now."

 

"Well, you realizing that is a step forward already," Iwaizumi shrugged as he slowly stood up. "I mean, both of you are probably just playing dumb at this point."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sorry if the update took too long, school (dat bitch) started last september so i lost inspiration but i swear i have no plans on discontinuing this fic so yeah. anyways, hope you like it!!

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys this is my first matsuhana fic and i hope you liked it???  
> yeah


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